About the Wines:

    We currently offer 13 select fines wines ranging in complexity, character, and bouquet---yet all retain the effervescent style of Dairy Aire Wines.
    Just click on the names below to find out more about them.


Bitter Feminista Chardonnay

Bloody Stump Abitoir Claret

Dairy Aire Men's Room Merlot

Blood Feast of Satan Cabernet Sauvignon

Last Tango Sauvignon Blanc

Specimen #170

ChardonNene

Black Hole Gewürztraminer

Writhing Reisling #2

Jolene's Underwear Shiraz, '98

Cuvé Reservé Blunt Object d'Trollinger

Prairie Rose White Zinfindel

Supremacist Select Pinot Noir

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Bitter Feminista Chardonnay:
The distinctive phallus-shaped cork to be stabbed and wrent from the bottle like a puny wriggling worm...The sassy cranberry, uppity lemon, and indignant gooseberry wrestling with the spurning backhanded nastiness of horehound and horseradish...The rusty rip saw 'cross the throat finish...Too vindictive for anything but capon, Bitter Feminista is best appreciated by itself late at night with a straight razor and a stack of curt poetry rejection letters from male-dominated literary magazines.

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Bloody Stump Abitoir Claret:
Not just another California Abitoir Claret feeding the trendy German Cannibal craze! While retaining the classic aromas of burnt hair and seared flesh, it boasts playful sprays of watermelon interspersed with cherry, naphtha, and liquid propane residue. The strictly monitored hemoglobin content insures a rich, full bodied texture with a quirky faint lemony yet antiseptic finish. A perfect accompaniment to classic broiler entrees described in "To Serve Man: The Donner Party Guide".

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Dairy Aire Men's Room Merlot:
Bright hints of tuna and ipecac augment our top international award winning Merlot crafted in the tradition of Cuvé Reservé Nuits St. Wogga-Wogga. A delightful companion to pasta dishes, arguments over Schopenhaur, erectile dysfunction, and profound low self esteem.

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Blood Feast of Satan Cabernet Sauvignon:
Our special Witches' Sabbat & Harlot's Altar process brings out the authoritative texture, rich dark ominous aroma, and full bat-winged bodied finish to this lightly cursed cab. Hailed at the 2001 American Bar Association Wine Trials: "Human flesh never tasted better!"

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Last Tango Sauvignon Blanc:
Experience the surprise and excitement of a big dog farting for the first time. Boisterous explosions of angelica, zinc dichromate, and strawberry marmalade create an experience that is like making love without a woman.

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Specimen #170:
The same heady aromas, the same dark brooding color, the same greasy but smokey tang as the anatomy collection specimen one might steal one crank-blurred night during one's abortive med school days. An exemplary red table wine for those uncomplicated and intimate moments for matters of the heart, kidney, liver, and stainless steel.

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ChardonNene:
A big bottle with a feathery light bouquet; our ChardonNene features delectable tropical hints of pineapple, pear, orange, and dead sea bird. Every bottle contains one pickled Nene; a Hawaiian Goose. Pull the bird's head through to use as a decorative stopper for easy storage.

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Black Hole Gewürztraminer:
A surprisingly crisp and fruity taste for a wine made from Ted's personal vats of quantum singularities. Vats are monitored closely for matter-shredding gravitational interactions with nearby stars leading to powerful tangy-apple bursts of X-rays, and sugary leptons. The perfect accompaniment to any fast food accelerated beyond infinite mass. Each hand-painted lead-sheathed bottle weighs an astounding 52 million billion tons and should not be opened in this part of the galaxy.

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Writhing Reisling #2:
Jeb has done it again with this marvelous wine you'll never want to turn your back on! What started out as a vegetable-based solvent for high tensile strength industrial mastic has become a quirky bubbly Reisling boasting sharp apricot, mellow almond, and a desire for global domination. WARNING: NEVER LEAVE OPENED BOTTLE UNATTENDED!!!

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Jolene's Underwear Shiraz, '98:
Introducing the first bottle label you can wear! Popular among cosmopolitan West Coast officianados, legal counsel suggests the less said about this one, the better. Best with Fettucini Alfredo---you don't notice the bits of elastic as much.

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Cuvé Reservé Blunt Object d'Trollinger:
"Fortified" would be a timid term. An extremely robust, hearty if not surly rendering of Trollinger grapes for those whose fascination with regurgitation has lost its charm. The only Trollinger wine vinted outside of Germany, it makes a memorable addition to anabolic steroids, warm 30-weight motor oils, gun grease, and a smooth aperitif to the subsequent arraignment hearings.

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Prairie Rose White Zinfindel:
To be perfectly honest, it's sugary pink girlie slop guzzled by tubby suburban women. We were originally going to call it "Sugary Pink Girlie Slop Guzzled By Tubby Suburban Women" but our marketing guy said it sort of flew in the face of his ad campaign that touted "enjoying the soft, muted tones of sunset on the deck with svelte thirty-ish upscale friends". So we offered: "Sugary Pink Girlie Slop Guzzled By Tubby Suburban Entrepreneurial Women". He rejected that, too. Then there was a fist fight. And a restraining order. Jeb apologized. The marketing guy said he'd think about it. Jeb whacked him with a crowbar. Well you get the idea: a classic development curve. Ultimately, their wives patched it up over a gallon of the stuff on Jeb's deck at sunset. They were puking blind sick for weeks.

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Supremacist Select Pinot Noir:
You'll be sure to recognize it's distinctive black label with ultra attractive twin lightning bolts. Awarded the L' Grande Cordage Bleu at Nuremberg in 1947, the Pinot Noir grapes are still hand squeezed with same careful attention as when your mother squeezed blackheads on your pimply adolescent face. A dark repressed varietal filled with characteristic desperate self-loathing, it features velvety tannins, bold jack booted apple-cherry and a clean pincer movement finish. Definitely the wine to choose when you want to sweep aside effeminate intellectual vegetarian dishes, expunge decadent voluptuarian fish entrees, and enslave degenerate culturally primitive chicken courses so you can plunge triumphantly into a pure uncorrupted sea of red meat.

Where Can I Buy Dairy Aire Wines?

    Dairy Aire Wines are available ONLY via direct order from your friendly local Wine Merchant. Go ahead; ask them. They won't bite; they're friendly. But if they look at you with a very worried look on their face, smile a lot as you carefully back your way out of their store.

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